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Read Gay/les/bi Advice
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| Topic: |
General |
| Date: |
June 20, 2009 |
| casper08 asks: |
| okay. well i'm a 15 year old girl. i've always felt attracted to girls. but there's this girl (carina... she's bi!) and i've had a crush on her ever since i first saw her... i also feel atracted to guys, so i think im bi. but the other day i called carina and i told her about how i was crushing on her. she didn't believe me at first but at the end of our conversation she said that she did. but i know that she still thinks that i was just playin around. i feel confused because i've never had strong feelings for a girl. should i try to get something out of it or just drop it with her. also my parents dont know. and my mom is always talking smack about gay people. she thinks that its wrong. and the only people i have told is carinas friend and my cousin. should i tell my parents.... am i bi? HELP!!! |
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| rickweber says: |
What do you mean when you say "get something out of it?" Maybe it would be good for you to think about what it is that you want. Do you simply want your feelings of attraction acknowledged? Do you want a date? Do you want sex? Do you want a relationship? Does "getting something out of it" even have to involve her? Perhaps what you can get out of it is the acknowledgment that you're attracted to women.
On the second part of your question, no, you don't have to come out to your parents if you don't want to. Come out to who you want, when you're ready. If you decide to come out to your parents, I'd suggest that you read this first.
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html |
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| Topic: |
Self |
| Date: |
June 19, 2009 |
| dracon525 asks: |
| Ok, backstory: I moved into a hostel this year for uni. I quickly started liking this guy. Overtime he came out to me as bi, and said he didnt like me as much as i liked him.
Recently, he's been really confusing me. Like, we'll be drinking, and he'll let me hold his hand or stroke his hair etc, and then last night he kept pulling away and stuff, then he'd grab onto other peoples arms.
Basically, its making me really upset. Im sure i love him. I like everything about him, literally. I constantly want to hold him and i want to kiss him so badly. It gets really hard sometimes. Ive been self harming too.
So, yeah... What should I do? :P |
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| rickweber says: |
You may love him, but he's already said that he's not interested. He may be a little more open to affection when he's drunk, but that doesn't mean you should take advantage of that. It doesn't sound like it's all you either, it sounds like he is sending mixed signals. I understand that you like him and care about him, but don't you deserve someone who wants you too?
It seems worthy to talk your mention of self-harming. I don't know what method you use, but self harming is NOT an effective long-term coping strategy. In the short term it can be self-soothing, and people do find a sense of relief in it. Part of what makes it addictive sometimes is because self-harm can release endorphins in the brain, and it feels good. With all that said, people self-harm for different reasons. Often it gives people a sense of control- when the world around feels out of control and you feel powerless to change it, self-harm can be a way to take control of your own person. Self harm also serves the purpose of validating the self in the absence of emotional support, or punishing the self because you think you're "bad" and deserve to be punished. Self harm is often a cry for help, influencing others to see the same pain you feel. And, self harm is a nice distraction, sometimes it seems easier to feel physical pain than it is to face the emotional pain. I would suggest that you become more aware of the situations in which you tend to self harm. Say, if rejection is something that is a trigger for you, that will be important in stopping the behavior. I would suggest that you visit with a mental health professional. Like I said, people self harm for different reasons, and there are a host of different issues that may surround why you feel like you need to self harm. Something that I think would help you is getting away from this guy and moving into a different dorm. |
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| Topic: |
General |
| Date: |
June 19, 2009 |
| wonderx asks: |
| well, the prob is I wonder if I'm a bi or les...I'm 16 year old girl and have a gf. However, when I masturbate, I just think that I was ****ed by men and I like looking at boys (their style almost and their strong body) I feel that I may not want a boyfriend because I want to protect the person I love rather being protected and because I'm not so girly for them. Boys just like gentle and beautiful girls, dont they? ..And I have much feeling for girls but still desire for intercourse between female and male....i know this may a little confusing....so???....any advice for me?... |
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| Zyto95487 says: |
The best advice I can give is "Don't rush to label yourself". It may be common and cliche advice, but it's true. Labels just complicate things most of the time, and once you stick that label on, it's hard to get past it.
But, while that is the best advice I can give, it's rarely what one wants to hear, so here we go. From the way you describe it, you seem to be bisexual. You say you have an attraction to guys, and you fantasize about them, which is a good indicator that you are bi. You may lean more towards women on the sexuality spectrum, but it seems that in the end, you have many bi tendencies.
That being said, don't rush to test your theory. Right now you are with your girlfriend, and the quickest way to ruin that is to go out and try to find out if you are bi by sleeping with a boy. Give it time. It's possible you'll be with this girl forever, but realistically, you probably won't. If/when you break up, go ahead and experiment. See what feels right and don't worry about labels. At 16, this is the height of sexual confusion, so go with the flow, and eventually you'll have a better understanding of yourself. |
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| Topic: |
General |
| Date: |
June 18, 2009 |
| shehe asks: |
| I feel very awkward asking this question. I am a 13 year old girl, and I feel like I'm trapped inside my own body. I have never told anyone about this before, and I'm really confused. Are there certain ways to tell if your transgender or not? I feel like I'm more attracted to guys, but I sometimes have thoughts about girls too. I'm a little young to figure it out on my own, but I've watched my fair share of those sex-change shows. I also feel like I go on the Internet a lot, because there I am anonymous, and I can say I'm a boy. I know the works of sex, so you don't need to tiptoe around the answer. I couldn't even imagine telling anyone I know about this problem. I feel like puberty is hitting, and it's hitting hard. I can't stand having boobs, it makes me feel even more uncomfortable. Another awkward question. Is there some kind of strap-on penis that is wearable? If so, could you provide detail? I really appreciate you listening to this. It was really hard for me to say, because I feel like I've been lying to myself, and repressing these feelings. Thank you. |
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| rickweber says: |
First, than you for sharing. There's no test that tells you whether or not you're a transsexual. If you feel like you are, I'd suggest reading these two resources:
HRC- Transgender Americans: A Handbook for Understanding
http://www.hrc.org/documents/TransgenderAmericans.pdf
PFlag- Welcoming Our Transgender Family and Friends
http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202
Both are written from the perspective of friends and family of trans people, but it should give you a better idea of what it means to be transgender and some of the issues other trans people face.
Another idea for you is to visit the SCN LGBT forum. It is a good place to talk about what you're feeling, and there are people who will help you. There are other trans people who do visit it, so that may be a good place for you.
http://forums.student.com/viewforum.php?f=12
The internet is a great way to find information, but be selective of the source. Just as there is a lot of good information out there, there are a lot of bad sources, inaccurate information, and outdated research. Something worthy of looking at is how transsexualism is treated. Before people ever get to hormone treatment or a surgery table, they have to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. From there they must undergo therapy and other requirements. This is what most professionals follow when treating GID.
Harry Benjamin's Standards of Care for GID
http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf |
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| Topic: |
General |
| Date: |
June 17, 2009 |
| AussieDuke asks: |
| I don't know whether this should go under relationships but I guess I'll try it here.
I have this problem of havign to pick between two guys. On the one hand there's John who is sweet and kind and cute and shy and he has all these qualities that make myheartstrings pull until they hurt.
But then there's Ollie who is passionate and smart and clever and funny and he feels like he's all these things that make me want to be closer to him.
My main dillema is how am I supposed to pick one without hurting the other? I want to pick Ollie more than John but I really don't want to hurt him. What should I do? |
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| rickweber says: |
| I'm not sure there is a way to completely avoid hurting someone in this situation. However, I think being honest would help. Tell John that you think he is kind, cute, and you like him. Also tell him that you want to date someone exclusively and see where it goes. Tell him that you've enjoying getting to know him, and you'd like to be his friend. That maybe if things don't work out, perhaps he'd consider dating you exclusively (don't say that unless that's how you feel), but you don't want him to wait for you. He may indeed still feel hurt, and maybe he doesn't want to be friends. That's a risk you carry when you date two people and decide to be with one of them. You made your choice, one that was not easy, and now you need to allow him to make his. |
|
| Topic: |
General |
| Date: |
June 16, 2009 |
| wingslax96 asks: |
| Ok so i've been dating girls all year but now am attracted to all the guys in my class along with the girls but i really can't explain it HELP plz |
|
| axedmoon says: |
| You could be bisexual. Depending on your age, it could just be hormonal changes. Give it time, see how your attractions are. |
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| Topic: |
School |
| Date: |
June 16, 2009 |
| katy88 asks: |
| I'm starting college in August. In high school, I didn't tell my friends that I was bisexual. What is the best way to bring up my sexuality? I'm going to join the gay-straight alliance, so my plan was that if they ask me if I'm gay or something, I'd explain it. That way, it won't come out at an awkward time. But I've spoken to my future roommates already. I don't want to start school, and have them accuse me of being less than truthful. So, what's the best way to do this? |
|
| bretth4 says: |
Well most people shouldnt really mind your bisexuality. You can just ask them if its going to be a problem as a roomate. Say something along the lines of "youre fine with having a bisexual roomie, right?"
honestly, direct talks are always best and for most people it wont even be a big deal |
|
| Topic: |
General |
| Date: |
June 12, 2009 |
| honest_n_true asks: |
| Hey you've given my advice before but this is a serious question....Is it possible that the owner/developer of Student could possible make this site more transgender friendly? Like instead of just GLB chat...maybe adding the T to the end of it to make it the normal GLBT and the same with the advice colums.... |
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| axedmoon says: |
| This was already expressed in the past, and we'll see if with time it'll change. But your concern is definitely not new and not unknown. :) Thank you. |
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| Topic: |
Coming Out |
| Date: |
June 09, 2009 |
| musicmistress91 asks: |
| Ok, first of all, I am a 18 year old bisexual female. I am in high school as a junior and I have the whole school knowing I'm bi and such. I'm fine with it, but I have a huge worry about confessing my bisexuality to my parents. I've only told my friends and some trusted adults, but I have been scared of coming out to them because of the fact that I have always kept it hidden and I have a gf. Help!! |
|
| rickweber says: |
Coming out to your immediate family is scary. Even people who know that they'll be supportive still get scared when telling family members. Telling your family is simply different.
When coming out, most people have to weigh the pros and cons of doing so. We risk a lot by coming out, like shelter, family relationships, and financial support. Before you decide to come out, it might be good to "test the waters" in casual conversation to see where your family members stand on LGBT issues. If you do decide to come out, consider writing them a letter. Sometimes coming out face-to-face can be intimidating, and people who write letters have the benefit of "finding the right words." Perhaps you might be able to read the letter to them face-to-face.
Finally, family members are often not as accepting at first. Remember, you've already have a sense of yourself, and accepted you're identity as bisexual. They have to play a little catch up. And, you may have to take on the role of educating them about bisexuality. This is a great article that gives those who are coming out some perspective of what it's like for many parents.
http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html
Consider checking out some of the coming out resources listed in this link.
http://forums.student.com/viewtopic.php?t=317314
There are a lot of stories about family members coming out, and it may give you some ideas about how you want to come out to them, and some of the benefits to coming out. |
|
| Topic: |
Dating |
| Date: |
June 08, 2009 |
| fbrgc asks: |
| Hello, I'm from São Paulo, Brazil, and I'm desperate... I'd want a boyfriend, I'd want to sex and I'm a unlucky boy. Hmmm... I'm 16... But:
- People here are too prejudice, they hate it!
- My parents hates it too... They are preety religious and doens't like my musics, political views, etc... They doens't know about I'm being gay.
- I always love straight guys, I feel preety sad because I can't date them...
- I think everyday how could I date someguy. I can say I'm not happy for it... And I'm liking again a straight guy.
Thank you very much... |
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| axedmoon says: |
There comes a time when we will like someone that we can never be with. Whether they be straight or simply they do not return the feelings. It's not easy, but it happens. Sometimes we have to accept the friendship (if we're not too heartbroken) or we walk away.
As for being 16 and in a predominantly Catholic environment.. hang in there. You're growing up and soon you'll be on your own. It's easier to manage between the lives then. I can't say for myself that my own parents know anything about me so I just manage between the two. It's not always advisable, but sometimes you have to make do for your own safety.
Take care. |
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